Rico Saves the World, with the Help of CrossFit

Look, I have often dreamt of saving the world…I just didn’t think it would come so early in my youth career.  

I was going to write about the Open starting next week and how I’m feeling extraordinarily prepared to take the CrossFit world by storm.  But first I have to tell you about my brush with death and then my brush with glory.  If I had not saved the world first, then the Open would not be happening.  All the world’s citizens would be slaves to some ugly aliens. 

Let me explain.

A few days ago, I was taking my daily evening walk down Hardy Street in Hattiesburg.  I like to contemplate diplomacy and international relations as I walk.  This particular evening, I was thinking about the escalating crisis with Iran, its nuclear ambitions and the censure of the international community.  While I was in this frame of mind, a flying saucer accosted me.  Yes, a flying saucer.  I had seen them before, of course.  In Tavalos, they are always landing and disturbing my people.  This one was silver and ovaltine shaped and before I ever had a chance it secured me in its tractor beam.  I was pulled up into the belly of the beast where I was confronted by the leader of the space aliens.  He was a humanoid figure that did not look so radically different from the residents of Mississippi.  In other words, this alien had a bulging gut, googly eyes and a large tongue that wiggled around like a snake.   

All of his henchmen were big-boned too.  Right away I knew how I could defeat them. 

“Send word to your leaders that we are here to enslave you,” the master alien said. 

“Go to hell,” I replied. 

“This hell, where is it?”

The aliens were not only fat, they were dumb too. 

We talked for a while and I gave them a false history of earth and found out that I was dealing with one of the most moronic alien tribes in the universe. 

I said, “Are you a sporting tribe, sir?”

Spit or snot dribbled down the master alien’s green chin.  Then he said, “We are a race of fine athletes, indeed.”

I laughed.

“You mock me, sir?” he asked.

“Not at all, sir.  I just doubt your words.  Would you accept an athletic challenge?  And if you lost would you then leave my precious planet alone?”

It took me half an hour to explain Reebok’s sport of fitness.  I described the famous girl WOD called Angie involving 100 pull-ups, 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups and 100 air squats. 

The aliens produced a Rogue pull-up cage from out of nowhere; they must have beamed one up.  I limbered up, worked up a good sweat.  I was a little worried because my pull-ups are still not so good but I felt confident that I would be better at them than the fat master alien.  He looked strong but I was sure he would suck at these bodyweight movements because of his girth. 

And I was right.  The alien got stuck on pull-ups.  I finished with a PR of 31:27. 

“Champion of Earth!” the master alien said, his fat belly heaving.  He was still out of breath as he raised my hand in victory.  His alien hand was slimy. 

“So you will leave my planet alone?” I asked.

“Until next time,” he said and I could hear his laughter as I was beamed back down to earth.  You can’t trust aliens but for now they were gone.

So to CrossFitters everywhere, I say: You owe me one!  If not for Rico, you would not be looking forward to the Open!  Presently, you would be a space slave serving a band of fat aliens and how ironic would that be?  The fittest on Earth serving the fattest in the universe!

Good luck this week!  

Sincerely,

Rico

Muscle Up! Plus Political Debate! Plus Chicken Wing!

Hello WODDERs!

I really needed CrossFit yesterday because I got into an argument with a colleague at the university (Go Screaming Eagles!).  We were sitting in the student lounge inside the building for international students when Nelson, who is from Kenya, sat up and shook his fist at the air.  “I am tired of American acts of aggression!” he said.

At first, I thought he’d been attacked by a fellow student.  But no he was talking about the American body politic.  Nelson was angry about the American rhetoric toward Iran.  He said it was the next Iraq, the next Afghanistan. 

“That’s bullshit!” I replied and we argued for an hour. 

So when I got to the boxer I was ready to scream and yell and do lots of box jumps in spite of my fear of heights.  I did a WOD involving kettlebell snatches and pull-ups and front squats.  It was very hard!  I almost forgot about my fight with Nelson but once I caught my breath and drank my Progenex vanilla shake I started thinking about it again.  And I was still mad and I wanted to do some other exercise, so I went up to Coach Fleming and I said, “Coach me!”

Coach Fleming is a policeman in addition to being a fitness guru.  He is handsome and has very strong shoulders.  But he cannot run.  Coach said he would show me the muscle up, and so we went to the rings and he said: “You want to perform a tremendous kip.  Then, and this is very important, you must pretend that you are making love to a beautiful woman and she is on the ceiling.” 

He talked about ladies called Camille Leblanc-something and Andrea Ager whom I did not know, but I imagine they will congratulate me in California when I am victorious at the CrossFit Games.

Then Coach Fleming demonstrated the muscle up.  He kipped, made love to the ceiling but then his left arm slipped through the rings and it was horrifying.  I thought he was going to fall!  But then my fellow CrossFitters started shouting, “Chicken wing!  Bok bok bok!  Chicken wing!”  And Coach Fleming hopped off the rings laughing and flapping his arm like it was a broken bird wing, and going all around in circles.  I have to admit I was a little confused.

The South can be strange.      

I pretended it was Nelson on the ceiling and I was trying to kick his face, but alas this method of projection did not work.

I promise to become a member of the Muscle Up Club soon!

I am now wearing an RxForTime wristband, though I feel funny wearing it because it is pink.  Mr. Heath, why pink?  It is not manly!  Oh well.

Love,

Rico

When RxForTime asked me to blog for them, I was surprised.  I understood that they wanted to associate their new fashion brand with excellence.  And I was flattered.  But why ask an international student from the tiny island of Tuvalu to blog for you?  Mr. Heath Graham, CEO and co-founder of RxForTime, said, “We want to chronicle the CrossFit journey of an athlete tackling the Open for the first time.  Plus, we Mississippians don’t like to write.”  So I said, “Fine, friend!  I will help you out!  We will make history together!”

True, I am new to CrossFit but I have an extensive athletic background.  In Tuvalo, I was national champion in weightlifting, wrestling, fencing, long-distance running and swimming.  Also, I can hold my breath for 16 minutes and 21 seconds!  I will tell you now what I look like.  I am 1.47 meters tall, with short arms and short torso and very thick quadriceps.  I am built like the Pocket Hercules!  And another thing: this gentleman prefers blondes!  (Just kidding.  I am a serious sportsman.)

I first saw CrossFit over the winter holidays on ESPN and when I heard about the cash prize and the Reebok endorsements, I said: “I will be champion.” 

I found a “boxer” in my new hometown of Hattiesburg, Mississippi where I study Conflict Management and International Relations at the University of Southern Mississippi.  It is my dream to create world peace.  At my boxer, which is called CrossFit Hattiesburg, I am preparing for this Open thing.  I have many coaches and they are granting me wisdom in this new sport which is becoming an obsession of mine.  It is fantastic to do a workout with friends and shout at them with all your might.  “Come on!  Come on!  You can do it!”  I get so caught up in the yelling that I often forget I am in the middle of a “wod.”  My coach has to remind me!

Here are my vital statistics so far. 

Max Snatch: 152.5 kilos
Max Clean and Jerk: 170.5 kilos
Max pull-ups: 3
Max box jump: 20 inches (I am afraid of heights)
Fran: 32:59 RX

Friends, join me on my epic journey to the 2012 Reebok CrossFit Games!  I would like to blog every day but Mr. Graham says once or twice a week will do.  I will do what he says until I win glory.  Then I go my own way.

All my love,

Rico

P.S. I am supposed to say that RxForTime has the most wonderful fashion this side of the Mason-Dixon Line.